This is the worst day so far
I am too naive to image that the release of my regination to A. is a journey of determination and a way to get rid of the monkey on my back; waiting for my wife return from Sports Club last night, I am eager to share my day with her, she is somewhat a sychotrist to me; she returned home by 11:00 pm, I can't wait to tell her what a terrible day I've through.Her response is honest and straight forward,. she is like a mirrow to me and advise me :
1. Do not complain to myself: she's been listening to my complain for too long, no matter what reason cause me to regine, there's no point to self-complain, looking into the future, take a positive attitude and be brighter.
2. Determination : there's no turning back, don't question about the decision I made, even I stay for another 6 month, I will be totally stripped by next March, that will be a truly ugly situation.
3. Proactive in what you plan to do : never withdraw in the project I receive now, even I am not familar , or even incapable to handle, I should keep the attitude of " Trying to do it better " instead of " Giving it up " simply because I am not familar with.
4. Feel luck : if this happen 2 years ago, there won't be any support, now I had friend who willing to join us, and good buddy at Forum, they will support me in certain degree. but I must feel I had a better position than anyone else.
5. Don't release the pity look : when talking with others and inviting to share what I am going to do, never shed the fear / scare / panic posture, people will look down to you.
6. Don't Panic : when you are panic, you loose focus and you don't produce the juice of creativity, and you don't know what to do next, you are dysfuntional. pick it up. step by step.
we talked for a hour until Sep. 28, our 18th wedding anniversary, I want to celebrate, but my mind and soul wan't there, how to bring back the confidence in me is a big question to me. Determination and Decisive are the keys lead me to next door. cutting all the side way, I must go my own and stop complaining and feel self-pity any more.
Yesterday afternoon, when contact with K. and notice there's no improvment in the International Youth Travel multi-media film, I really feel hopeless, I don't know how to begin with as I know nothing about the " Productions ", K. is expecting me provide the theme / guideline before execution, the time is running out and I don't even know where to start. C. is on vacation, the communication gap cause this " Moving nowhere " trap, and the idea of giving it up grows. I circling in my office just like the ant running on the hot pot, going nowhere and do nothing, the chilly feeling hit me and I am like an idot; the first time, I guess, I am feeling like a fool and incapable to deliver this mission. is it the sympton of stree or depress? I can't tell, but you begin to shake and you are totally empty in your head. it keep for as long as a hour before I went for the Group company meeting.
Lunch with Professor Chuang, I send him the message of my decision, he encourge me and told me, " Not prepare enough " isn't a sin as a lot of people doing thing without decent prepartion, I told him I don't really know what to do, but only know " I don't want to do this ", he seems happy with my expression. Professor advise me to take a rest - maybe scuver diving or take a few days off somewhere; he told me " Discontinue " will bring me new engery, take a precious moment to examine " Uncertainty " in life. I need support from friend and teacher like him.
A big quarrel with a head of sister company, he send me a strong mail and challenge our reaction toward their way of hanlding one critical brand rescure project. I am tougher than he think, he withdraw and apology, everyone had his stand, he should not take such a high postion. I belive this is not an emotional reaction and not an exit to what I feel yesterday.
posted by Roger @ 9/28/2005 08:19:00 上午
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